Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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