that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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