Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
