can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
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