Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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