seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
