someone threw a dead crab at me
one two three fourrrrnication!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
