I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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