Don't make out with my wife yet
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
40s are totally the cure
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
