She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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