You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
