so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
