Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
