i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
