Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize