did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
