This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
barbara walters just said penis...
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
