Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
