John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
