you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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