you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
