Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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