Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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