Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
