Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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