[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize