I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
