he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
