You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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