so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
