I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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