When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
