"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
