if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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