Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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