You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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