Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just puked most of my soul out..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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