giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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