I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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