i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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