You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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