and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
