11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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