so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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