threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize