Quick, to the slutcave!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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