i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize