y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize