he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
