Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize