Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
