my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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