you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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