I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
