Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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