i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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