You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
