Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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