Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
