I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I smell like Dick and happiness
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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