my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize