Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
