I swear she didn't look like that last week.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
