Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
