Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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