the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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