I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
